Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
