I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
