I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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