I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
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