You're my little dorito
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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