New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
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