Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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