He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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