apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
