i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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