I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize