it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize