Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize