Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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