i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize