It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
