Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
