a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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