i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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