I accidentally burped into my bong.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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