Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
