i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
