It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
