This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
