chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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