we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
