My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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