Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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