Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
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