you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
