This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
