My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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