On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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