dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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