what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
