I can text with my tongue
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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