Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
