im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
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