My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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