I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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