there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
