Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
