I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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