I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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