but the lizard people decide everything anyway
why do cheetos always look like penises
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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