Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
