I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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