My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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