Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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