dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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