You made me cry and you don't even care
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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