i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
