He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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