I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
