I'm pants shitting drunk right now
never play flip cup with pint glasses
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
