This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
