I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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