Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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