he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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